Pet peeve: Please stop referring to given foods (most commonly poutine, fried appetizers, fair food, etc.) as a “heart attack on a plate.” For one thing, I can’t imagine why you would want to eat something if you really feel that way about it, and often people are looking at their own plates when they say this. For another, even if you are exaggerating for effect, it really irritates me that you at least give the appearance of believing that one plate of anything can affect your health in any way. That is stupid.

And finally, over-the-top moralizing about food is what leads to movie popcorn or Venti Frappuccinos or fettucine alfredo becoming scapegoated as the Food Demon du Jour (never mind that I’m sure other foods have the exact same calorie, fat, and carb counts, yet manage to escape the Food Police for some reason), which is supremely irritating and gives people even more reason to believe that if they are just “good” enough and avoid foods x, y, and z, they can cheat death forever through their own willpower and smarts (MWAAAAHAHAHAHA!). And to believe that if they do avoid foods x, y, and z, they have a license to make all kinds of self-righteous judgments and even comments about people who prefer to, I don’t know, eat a varied diet that may at times include things that are not so great for them.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say there is probably no statistically significant difference in illness and mortality between the person who swears off Venti Frappuccinos forever and the person who enjoys one occasionally if that is their bag. I don’t think there is any utility or health benefit whatsoever to declaring any food unequivocally “bad.”

(I’m going to note here that I have actually never had a Venti Frappuccino, though I have a Tall or Grande one from time to time, most recently I think about 9 months ago. I hesitate to mention this because I truly don’t care how many Venti Frappuccinos you eat or don’t eat, and I CERTAINLY don’t think that he who eats the fewest wins–that is the whole point I’m trying to make here–but as a fat person I often see the attitude that if I think x or y diet or food-related moral outrage is silly, it must be because I want to be free to mainline baby-flavored donuts 24 hours a day, or in this case baby-flavored blended coffee beverages, delicious, so I wanted to head that one off if I could.)

Anyway, regardless of what you’re eating (unless, I suppose, you are being held in a dungeon and fed an endless buffet of Crisco and you won’t be allowed to eat anything else until the day you die–and I guess even that would be more like a “heart attack on a million plates” and/or perhaps even not causative of a heart attack at all because if you eventually had a heart attack in this dungeon, you have no way of knowing to what extent it was caused by Crisco, genetics, sedentary dungeon lifestyle, poor dungeon tooth care, etc. which is really my point), it is NOT a “heart attack on a plate.” So please shut up and enjoy the cheese sticks or burger and fries you ordered, especially if you are with me at the time, because I don’t want to hear it.